The Quest for the Dirty Tool
by CleanTool
Summary: "The Quest for the Dirty Tool" is an action packed family oriented thriller based off of true events.


**The Quest for the Dirty Tool**

It all started when our over-heralded star, Tool Man, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling very displeased, Tool Man stroked a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered he realized that his beloved Dirty Tool was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Controller Boy. Tool Man had known Controller Boy for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Controller Boy was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... pestering. Tool Man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Controller Boy picked up to a very ecstatic Tool Man. Controller Boy calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters sneeze before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually sassily shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Tool Man. Why was Controller Boy trying to distract Tool Man? Because he had snuck out from Tool Man's with the Dirty Tool only four days prior. It was a curious little Dirty Tool... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Tool Man got back to the subject at hand: his Dirty Tool. Controller Boy yawned. Relunctantly, Controller Boy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Dirty Tool. Tool Man grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Controller Boy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Dirty Tool and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Tool Man took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, he had take at least ten minutes before Tool Man would get there. But if he took the Tool-Mobile? Then Controller Boy would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Controller Boy was interrupted by five pestering Mudkips that were lured by his Dirty Tool. Controller Boy panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he carefully reached for his ripened avocado and randomly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Tool-Mobile rolling up. It was Tool Man.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Tool Man was out of the Tool-Mobile and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Controller Boy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Controller Boy was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Dirty Tool into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Controller Boy was concerned but at least the Dirty Tool was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Controller Boy sassily purred. With a inept push, Tool Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid coke fiend in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Controller Boy assured him. Tool Man took a seat just under where Controller Boy had hidden the Dirty Tool. Controller Boy panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Tool Man was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Controller Boy noticed a oafish look on Tool Man's face. Tool Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Controller Boy felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Tool Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Dirty Tool right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Tool Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tool Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Controller Boy could react, Tool Man aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Dirty Tool was plainly in view.

Tool Man stared at Controller Boy for what what must've been eight minutes. A few unfulfilled decades later, Controller Boy groped indiscriminately in Tool Man's direction, clearly desperate. Tool Man grabbed the Dirty Tool and bolted for the door. It was locked. Controller Boy let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tool Man,' he rebuked. Controller Boy always had been a little selfish, so Tool Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Controller Boy did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his Dirty Tool tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Controller Boy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tool Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Tool Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Controller Boy walked over to the window and looked down. Tool Man was gone.

Just yonder, Tool Man was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Controller Boy's place. Tool Man had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Mudkips suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Dirty Tool. One by one they latched on to Tool Man. Already weakened from his injury, Tool Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Mudkips running off with his Dirty Tool.

About ten hours later, Tool Man awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Tool Man did not know where he was. Deep in the broad imaginery desert, Tool Man was ridiculously lost. A few freaknasty minutes later, he remembered that his Dirty Tool was taken by the Mudkips. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated Mudkip emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Mudkip. Tool Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Mudkip sunk its teeth into Tool Man's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Tool Man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than two miles away, Controller Boy was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Dirty Tool. 'MY PRECIOUS!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Tool Man... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Dirty Tool that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Mudkips, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(


End file.
